Thursday, June 15, 2006

Regarding Henry

"And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say, Come and see. And I looked, and behold a black horse, and he that sat on him was Henry, and News followed with him."

-Lehrer 06:15

Remember that face, ladies and gentlemen, for it could very well spell your doom. But first, a little background...

I originally received the information that is to follow a little over two weeks ago. It came via communiqué from a confidential source who, not wanting to draw unnecessary attention, smartly labeled it "Fwd: FW: Thank you!"

Skeptically, I perused the information contained within only to realize that I was sitting on a virtual powder keg. I wasted no time in responding.

"This information is scandalous" I said, "the American public have a right to know! Let me post it to my blog."

"Not a CHANCE, Murrow" said the reply, "I risked my reputation... and, well... maybe even my life sending this to you, and now you want to further jeopardize both me and him by posting it on your blog for the world to see? I'm sorry, but no. For your eyes only. Need to know basis. Top Secret. This kid is doomed enough as it is... unless, of course, he lives in Cambridge."

And so, I stayed silent.

This morning it appeared in the Washington Post.


Thanks a lot, Wynne. Way to keep a struggling blogger down.

This will probably be one of the more bizarrely amusing (or troubling) things you'll see in some time. Over Memorial Day weekend, a birthday party was held in St. Paul, MN for a young lad named Henry - age 3. Unlike most boys turning 3, Henry didn't opt for a Star Wars or Pokemon themed birthday party. No, no, it seems Henry is the type of guy who cares little for conventional methods of doing things. Instead, Henry (or rather his parents) decided to throw a "News Hour with Jim Lehrer" themed birthday party.

Really. Henry's parents, noting their sons love for the "News Hour" broadcast, sent a letter to the PBS Studios in Arlington, VA (where the show is produced) and asked if they could possibly receive some promotional photos of the News Hour staff in order to make the themed birthday party a reality. Apparently, as the Post article states, Henry has adored the program almost from day 1 (his, not the program's) when he became transfixed by it's trumpet blaring introduction. Since then, he's been watching religiously, paying particular attention to Mark Shields and David Brooks and, of course, his favorite - veteran news anchor Jim Lehrer whom he calls "Jimmy Jimmy Bo Bo."

Not only did he receive what would appear to be a slew of promotional photos, but he also got signed photographs from senior correspondent Margaret Warner and "Jimmy Jimmy Bo Bo" himself (who signed his name as such.) The family had the photo copied onto the birthday cake (I had no idea they could do such things. Honestly... the kids and their technology these days) and handed out party hats emblazoned with the faces of the other correspondents as well.

Now... yes, I know you could have gotten all of that simply by reading the Post article but now we come to the Murky Words exclusive. This is what you should have seen a little over two weeks ago had I not been so shamefully censored, and what the Post, to this day, still doesn't show you. Below are photos of the actual event. Viewer discretion is encouraged:

(The infamous birthday cake along with party hats featuring noted correspondents Madeleine Albright, Sesame Street's 'Susan', Jimmy Jimmy Bo Bo, and Dennis Miller)

(A closer inspection shows that I have egregiously mislabeled the correspondents above. They are, in fact, Margaret Warner, Gwen Ifill, Jimmy Jimmy Bo Bo, and Ray Suarez. My bad. Sorry everyone. Please don't sue me.)

(The entire display. Voila!)

(A Boy called Henry, his cake, and some little cur sneaking up next to him about to ruin everything and blow out all the candles. No Ray for you, young man!)

Upon seeing all this, several "folks I know" noted that they thought it was unlikely Henry would ever get laid. I conceded the point at first, but on further reflection I think they're terribly mistaken. I think Henry is headed for fame and glory the measure of which we can only imagine. Consider, the boy has just turned 3 and he can already recognize various Cabinet members and Supreme Court justices. Most kids can't even read at that age (and, come to think of it, we're not sure Henry can either, but still... it's damned impressive.) Imagine what he could accomplish by age 25. No, I think Henry will be just fine. The women (or perhaps men - you have to admit the whole 'Jimmy Jimmy Bo Bo' thing is a little suspicious) will be flocking to him in droves, attracted to him by his knowledge, power, charming smile, and (potential for) wealth. Henry, in turn, will simply chuckle, take his pick of the litter and tell the rest of the suckers, "Sorry. You should have watched more news. Now... I gotta go find me a horse."

Rock on, Henry.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd like to clarify something, Henry isn't going to get laid until he's well over 40, at which point he will have accumulated enough wealth to get what he should have had in high school, and then properly be arrested for it afterward.

1:15 PM  

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