@*%%$@!!#@*!

I'm back!

Yes indeed, and here are some more stories about my ear wax.

Kidding...

I'm feeling much better, thank you. Still got a bit of a hack and a wheeze, but otherwise things are in good shape and functioning normally.

But hey, have you noticed that the posts have taken on a decidedly more negative tone as of late?

"I hate this phrase", "These people can't spell their name correctly - they're dumbasses", "I'm sick, and I have too much post nasal drip. Poor me", "My personality test tells me I suck."

From me to you - an apology. I'm really not this bad. It's all part of a shtick, I swear. The real man behind the curtain is a kind, caring, sensitive type who hums musicals and makes little children laugh with ease. Yeah, I can come across as a little callous at times, but it's only out of a sense of compassion and a desire to help others. Is there love missing from the blog? Absolutely, and with any luck, I'll be able to inject it into my future posts and you can all walk away feeling gooey. Let the love shine, people!!!

But not today. You see, today's all about the expletives.

I've heard it said by many a wordsmith that those who utter swear words regularly are doing nothing but showing off their lack of a vocabulary, and under most circumstances I would agree. Swear words are interjected into sentences where they clearly don't belong, and in instances way too numerous in number - often multiple times in the same sentence. We have somehow gotten into the habit of using them as normal nouns and adjectives instead of the exclamations they're supposed to be. I catch myself doing this all the time. I use the "f" word when there are so many better options - 99% of them inoffensive.

But man, I love swearing. Well, I love words in general, really, but a swear when it's used properly and to good effect? Magic. Fewer words have the ability to convey such raw emotion and feeling, and make me laugh to boot. Yeah - on the surface, some are derogatory and pretty offensive but really, they're just words. Sticks and stones, folks. Sticks and stones.

Anyway, enough with all this pretext. If you're a regular reader of this space, you'll recognize that all the writing above was merely subterfuge and that all I really have to say is that I have another neat link for you to click on. But not just any link, oh no. This one features lots of swears. In fact, it features nothing but, and all of them uttered by some of your favorite celebrities. Before we go any further, however, some words of warning:

Reasons you should not click the following link:

• You are offended by swear words - and we're not talking about the piddly everyday kind, like shit and asshole. No, we're talking hardcore, here - like the word that will get any male's left eye gouged out by any American female around to hear its utterance.
• You are at work and anyone whom you don't want to piss off is within earshot of the speakers.
• There are little ones running about.
• You are an ethereal, sentient being at one with the loving energies of the infinite universe and tuning into such low level frequency would forever damage your chi.

If none of that applies - well then, have fun. This made me laugh loudly, and at great length, which I guess says oodles about my maturity level. The idea behind it is simple. In March of 2004 BBC Channel 4 in England launched a new marketing campaign called "Twenty Questions" in which the stars of some of their more popular shows (many of which were American imports - The West Wing, ER, Scrubs, Six Feet Under, The Sopranos, etc...) were filmed responding to unheard questions. Some of the questions were fairly tame, such as, "What is the one thing you would like to do before you die?" Others were a lot more raunchy, such as "When did you lose your virginity?" As it says in the link I'm about to post, this particular commercial was supposed to have originally aired in movie theatres and be seen with the release of Kill Bill: Volume 2, as they thought it would be impossible to offend those who had seen the first installment and decided to come back for the second round. It met with some disapproval however, so it was instead aired on FilmFour - which to the best of my knowledge is a pay cable channel. As you'll soon see, you won't have to think too hard to find out which question it was they asked these folks. So without further ado:

Oh no! My ears!! My virgin ears!