Pleased To Meet You. Hope You Guess My Name

First things first. This posts marks the 100th on this here blog. You can thank me for ruining your productivity and enriching your life in the comments. Now then....

I was bored at work yesterday so I decided to actually read a few emails some friends had sent me, only to find that one of them linked to an online personality test. Now, I'm not normally one for these types of things. They tend to provide little in the way of insight and lots in the way of popups and irritating advertisements, but this particular test promised to tell me what breed of dog I was. Well that was certainly different. Dogs are cool and they have very distinct personalities. This would probably tell me quite a bit about myself, actually. Hooray for dog tests. None of this Myers-Briggs bullshit.

I flew through the test (only about 15 questions or so once you finish saying "No, thanks" to all the ads) and got the following result:

No bones about it, you're a dedicated, trustworthy St. Bernard. Loyal and good-hearted, you're as reliable as they come. Your naturally protective personality is reflected in the way you treat people close to you. Sheltering your nearest and dearest from harm (or bad news, for that matter) is high on your priority list. That attitude earns you lots of gold stars, not to mention respect. People admire your strong morals — and how well you stick to them! Focused, steadfast, and determined, you always aim to please. It's a breed like yours that makes the world a better place.

Cool. I could live with that. Yeah, I'm fat slobbering thing with a whiskey barrel around my neck that leaves puddles of drool everywhere, but damn, a St. Bernard is a kick-ass dog. I mean, when you consider I could have been a chihuahua? Great result.

Taking that test got me hooked. I started looking for others to take and thus tell me what an outstanding person I am. Next up? Which tarot card are you? Admittedly, this is an oddball type test, but so is the dog one and I figure tarot cards can be a lot more specific. After all, there are like 80 of them in a deck or something. Imagine the possibilities!

What I didn't imagine was getting this result. It made me gasp:


YOU ARE THE DEVIL
Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

Whoa. Well that sucks. Sugar coat that description all you want boys and girls, but that is one scary looking card. Dionysus my ass. I'll make sure to try and live up to that persona when I'm playing around with my two nieces, ages 2 & 4, on Christmas Day. (Oh, and sorry for not linking to the site. I would have, but it proved so popular that the guy took it down because he was exceeding his bandwidth usage.)

By this time, I had forwarded both tests to two friends to see what kind of results they got (Bermese Mountain Dogs - the pair of them. Never heard of the breed, but apparently they're pretty cool and laid back - although they tend to fart a lot. As for the tarot cards, one friend ended up being the Guardian Angel card called the Hierophant, and the other was the mature, inspirational card called The Lovers. Neither one of them got any sort of result suggesting they should spend the rest of eternity in hell.) When they saw my result, I think they felt bad for me so they sent me a link to yet another test - this one from some risque dating site called OK Cupid. This test was supposed to tell me what type of "mate" I'd be. Both of them had taken it and gotten great results, brimming with optimism and enthusiasm, which is kind of what you'd expect. I mean, the test came from a dating service. They're trying to get you to subscribe. They're not going to tell you you're hopeless. Unless, of course, you're me:

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet.

We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what.

On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls.

More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.

Huh. Well, that'll get them knocking down my door, wouldn't you say? I even had to edit that description to make it suitable for the average reader. So, for those of you keeping track, I am a fatass, slobbering hell spawn with goat antlers who, while being enslaved with temptation and addiction, is somehow not masculine enough. Oh, and there's a good chance I'll have a predilection towards criminal sexual dysfunction in the not too distant future. Sounds fantastic!

I need something to get me back on my feet again. I think I'm going to create my own personality test. Mine will ask your age, gender, birthdate, and what your favorite food is. Those not named Eric will be told that they suck. Those fortunate enough to have that sexy-as-hell moniker will find that vast amounts of riches and beautiful women await them both in this life and in heaven. Further, mine will be the definitive test used in psychology programs across the country. I can see it now. I'm going to get started right away. But first, I have to go banish some souls. Woof.