Friday, February 17, 2006

Hart to Hart

Something is seriously wrong. As ashamed as I am to admit this, I feel I have to or else it's going to kill me. I woke up this morning, and literally, from the moment I stepped out of bed, I've had Never Surrender by Corey Hart stuck in my head. Christ, this is absolutely BRUTAL. I hadn't heard the song in years (up until now, when I just downloaded it.) I've never liked it, yet the tune is forever etched into my subconscious due to my beloved sister and her adolescent crush on Mr. Hart while we were growing up. She played the album non.... friggin..... stop. Hell, I had an entire summer vacation up at the lake in New Hampshire virtually ruined because of that damn tape. But that's not even the worst part. If I dwell on it, I can see the VIDEO, or at least the portion of it where he stands firm in horrific acid washed jeans, raises a clenched fist and tells us to "NEVER SURREENNNDER-ER!"


Fuck you, Corey. Get the hell out of my head... and take your career with you. What's wrong with me? Why has this happened? And why THIS particular song? Hell, I wouldn't even be this irritated if it were Sunglasses At Night. Anyway, the good folks at "Ask Yahoo" tell me that 'Professor James Kellaris from the University of Cincinnati believes "cognitive itches" are the reason. This isn't a real itch, but rather a fancy-sounding metaphor for falling victim to catchy but annoying tunes. Just like real itches, the only way to get rid of a cognitive itch is to scratch it. And by "scratch it," we mean sing it until you're teetering on the brink of insanity.'

So.... Corey Hart is itching me and I have to scratch him back? Whoa. Forgive me if I appear somewhat hesitant. Look. I will not be singing this song out loud. I'd sooner swallow lye. Plus, you really don't want to hear my voice, Corey Hart singalong or not. It's usually not pretty. My roommate sings all the time. He is the Grand Master in the art of song butchery. Case in point - not long ago he was singing the song Guantanamera while cooking. Pretty easy song, right? The chorus consists largely of one word (Guantanamera) repeated four times. Not exactly something you'd readily forget. So he gives it a stab, like so:

"Guantanamera!
Guajida Guantanamera!
Guantanamerrrrrrrrrrrrraa!
.........
.........
.........
Por ti sere."

Having forgotten the fourth word of the chorus he substituted a line from 'La Bamba' that came kind of close to matching the notes, and had almost the same number of syllables. I have heard this man mistakenly throw lyrics from the 2 Live Crew into a Joan Baez ballad, and somehow incorporate C&C Music Factory into a protest march. And no, this is not a criticism. Far from it. His innovation is indeed a beautiful thing. He often takes songs that suck and unknowingly reinvents them into versions which are far better. I've come to refer to the tunes he sings as the "Martinized edits." I'll have to introduce him to Corey Hart and see what he can do, because this original version is fast becoming unbearable.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I've tried listening to different music - everything from Run DMC to the Sneaker Pimps. Nothing lasts. Corey, damn him, sings louder then them all. Hell, I've even tried Steve Perry to try and substitute one bad 80's tune for another. No luck.

I don't know. It's been a VERY long week, and I think sleep might be the only thing that cures this particular ailment. I'm just afraid of what will happen when I awake tomorrow morning. Who's going to pay a visit? Has Corey extended his stay? Did Burt Bacharach decide to stop in for a spell? UB40? Sister Souljah? It's a terrible thing to live your life in fear. Now, thanks to Corey, I'm finding that out. Who knows what will be lurking when the dawn breaks? All I can do is wait... and hope... and pray. See Corey? See what you're doing? You may try to take away my right to fight..... but I'll never surrender.

Oh my......

God damn you, Corey Hart. You've ruined my life.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks to you, I'm now in the process of downloading "Never Surrender" onto my Nano!!! I guess one man's ceiling is another man's floor...

10:43 PM  
Anonymous Eleanor said...

Hey - that was a great concert! I remember it like yesterday! Thanks for the memories.

Just a little more time is all we're asking for..
Cause just a little more time could open closing doors...
Just a little uncertainty can bring you down...

And nobody wants to know you now
And nobody wants to show you how

So if you're lost and on your own,
you can never surrender...
And if your path won't lead you home, you can never surrender...
And when the night is cold and dark, you can see, you can see light...
Cause no one can take away your right to fight and never surrender...

12:58 AM  
Blogger Eric said...

Glad I could help you relive yesteryear, El, but you aren't helping matters.

12:15 PM  

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