Roommate Wanted

I confess to not knowing a whole lot about McSweeney’s (including what it’s all about. I visit it so infrequently, and the material on there appears so bizarre and random at times, that I don’t quite get it) but this post struck a chord with me. You see, I too am looking for a roommate, and while I have a lead or two that I’m REALLY hoping will work out, I might end up having to go the Craigslist route in the end, which I am loathe to do (the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t, and anyone I might encounter via Craigslist is almost certainly a devil you don’t. Granted, I’m good at making friends with devils and other various hell spawn, but I’d rather avoid the unnecessary step, if possible.)

So, inspired by this most recent of McSweeney’s postings, I decided to craft my own want ad, and post it here. With any luck, I can avoid the devils entirely and get someone a bit nicer – like maybe a soul suffering in purgatory. On we go:

ROOMMATE WANTED – to fill a one bedroom vacancy in a two bedroom apartment in Jamaica Plain. Nice view of two other triple-deckers on either side (one of which continuously plays salsa music), an alley in the rear, and a street corner on the front. All modern conveniences included.

ME: 31 year old, professional male who works the usual 9 to 5 as a Support Analyst (HR speak for computer doofus.) Is generally an all-around nice person, though one who usually expresses said niceness in grunts. Has been known to throw Hot Pockets when they are undercooked. Occasionally, coat hangers too (for various other reasons having nothing to do with cook temperature.) Likes to attempt to cook (food other than Hot Pockets), watch movies (loudly), listen to music (loudly), and play video games in the apartment (in isolation, so no one will see how childish a hobby it is.) In otherwords, enjoys indulging in hobbies that are, for the most part, not useful.

YOU: Tough to say, because you’ll be taking the place of someone who served as an excellent roommate, however since specifics are necessary, I’ll give it a shot…

Preferably male (my girlfriend would be most displeased if you were either female or hermaphrodite) and preferably over 30. You must work full time, and have excellent bill paying skills, as you may be asked to occasionally pay mine in addition to your own (to which you must answer in the affirmative or risk termination of your lease.)

You must have good hygiene. Deodorant is a must. Farts are a must not. So is excessive mucous, body hair, and spittle.

You must not be from New York. If you sound like Fran Drescher, Billy Crystal, or Tony Soprano you will not be considered. If you are a Yankee fan, your application will be mailed to the Boston police along with a note that says, "I steal from 92 year old women who collect Social Security." Charges will be brought forth.

Referring to the above mentioned requirement, you must be mute - not physically, but voluntarily. You are not allowed to speak while I'm at home unless it's to say, "Your shoes have been shined, sir." Speaking while I am not at home is allowed, provided you ensure the sound wave's dissipation by the time I return.

You are not allowed to shower before me, even if I wake up late. Shower and bathroom must be cleaned after each use.

You must provide your own furniture, which ideally would be enough for the entire apartment (except for my bedroom, which you are absolutely not allowed in.) I look forward to settling in on your couch, and would thank you for the privilege.

Cooking is allowed as long as you clean up after yourself and the meal is for me. You are, of course, welcome to any leftovers. Feel free to use my cookware. If you find I don't have any, feel free to purchase some.

Any mice (or other rodents), or cockroaches (or other larvae) are your fault. It is your responsibility to have them exterminated, ideally at great expense (so the job is done right.) Failure to act within 30 seconds of the first sighting of one of the aforementioned creatures will result in immediate termination of your lease upon completion of your eventual call to the exterminator.

Laughter at my jokes regularly will entitle you to special privileges (ex. heat in your bedroom) provided it is genuine, and you don't overdo it.

Lastly, you must be nice. Mean people suck.


Interested (and how could you not be)? Leave a message in the comments with a preferred method of contacting you, and we'll get the ball rolling! Good Luck! I look forward to our potential new relationship together!